So my best friend is going out with this other girl named Lynne. She--Joanie, the friend--wanted to go with this girl named Cheyenne, who is nice but flaky and weird and has hella issues. And Cheyenne put her on hold, so she decided to go with Lynne, who is available and nice. And not as messed up.
So now she's happy and I'm feeling melancholy. It's been a year and I still can't shake this stomach-twisting love-something. She's seven years older than me, she's taken, she's half a country away, and I know it will never work and on one level I'm okay with that, but on another I just refuse to believe it. For a long, long time I would get really, amazingly sad over it, and it was the whole center of my life for a little, to the point where I couldn't go a day without thinking "God, I love her so much" and then I'd want to cry. Now I'm mostly happy, because it feels so nice to think of loving someone and I'm kind of scared to let go of it. It's such a bright feeling, like a big burst of yellow sun on grass in the middle of my chest, and it makes me feel warm and tight and good. I don't want to give that up.
Sometimes, though, it's a slow ache and a hole in my ribs. There's nothing much to do when it feels that way except distract myself, but... *sigh* I'm a lot better than I was, and the bits of sadness feel so much worse.
Then again, I could be worse. I could always be worse. I've been worse and I'm scared of feeling that way again. If I skip my pills for even just a couple of days--I never do it on purpose, mind you, I just forget--I start to feel like the whole world hates me. It's scary. I'm sad and angry and I want to hurt people and I think people hate me. So this little bit of gloom is a good trade-off for how happy I normally am.
Still, I felt like whining. WHINE.
PS: Schythr just showed me a cool new band and I have cold pizza. These are the joys of life.